The School Called Marriage by Arputa Lal

Author:Arputa Lal
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Hay House
Published: 2016-01-27T16:00:00+00:00

Revisiting other relationships

The arrival of the baby reopens the chapter of how the husband and wife feel about their relatives, especially their in-laws. Differences may crop up between the husband and the wife regarding the extent to which they should allow the child to get influenced by the two sets of grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. This is the time to remember the old adage: When two individuals get married, it is actually two families that get married, especially in India.

Therefore, marriage is actually a package deal. Along with the partner, the person also gets a set of in-laws. The process continues for at least one more generation. Along with the parents, the child acquires two sets of relatives, one on either side of the father-mother divide. In extreme cases, some degree of modulation may be desirable, and is possible. But the issue has to be handled carefully, keeping the partner’s sensitivities in mind. This may seem unfair to the child, but the facts are that first, the child will grow up under many influences other than parental; and secondly, in spite of multiple influences each individual can shape her own distinct personality.

Parenting style

The one perfect way to bring up a child is yet to be discovered. No wonder, the parents may differ with each other on many points. One major sore point is how much of disciplining is really necessary, and how to enforce the discipline. The problem grows much bigger if the child’s grandparents are also around. ‘Grandparents always spoil the child,’ goes a common refrain.

A few cardinal principles can minimize the adverse impact of this problem on the child as well as marital harmony.

First, the parents should discuss this issue often and try to arrive at a consensus, seeking expert help from a book or counsellor, if necessary.

Secondly, there should be some consistency, so that the child knows what is expected of her.

Thirdly, once an adult has allowed or disallowed something, the other adults should respect it and stay quiet in front of the child, even if they do not agree with each other. The disagreement can always be discussed later on, when the child is not around.

Finally, the parents should not quarrel over issues related to parenting, or over any other issue, in front of the child. These are all commonsense principles, but are so commonly violated, reiterated and yet violated, again and again, by the same couple. If the parents cannot discipline themselves, how can they expect it from the child?

Budgeting time and money

Desires are unlimited, but the means (both time and money) are limited. With the child come additional demands which may threaten the marriage. To what extent should the parents sacrifice their own needs for the sake of the child? Which short-term needs of the child should be sacrificed in order to save for long-term needs such as education? What is the right balance between providing for the material comforts of the child and giving quality time, love and attention to the child?

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